the sun shines warmer when it’s cold outside.
i stare at the drops of dew that trickle down the window and form a tiny puddle on the ground. the contrails in the sky appear beautiful from a distance. something is very calming about cold, frosty mornings.
i get out of my room and walk around the lake. the feeling of tiny snowflakes brushing against my cheeks is addictive. it’s calming, but electric. it brings along with it a rush of adrenaline, an urge to risk it all and play dice with life. but i’m too cautious to put everything on the line.
that’s when i hear you whispering my name. i walk towards you but you lead me further away. i keep chasing. without any sense of time or space. without looking back. i see a deserted sunny beach. there’s a lighthouse in far sight. the sun drains me down bit by bit. it’s an oddly familiar feeling. the beach is just zillions of particles of sand. it makes me feel replaceable, like a single grain of sand on the beach. like a missing comma or a forgotten period
i find you in the middle of a pond. you beckon me in. and i’m desperate for one more taste of harmony. can i get back to you without falling in? the waves come up to my feet. but i choose to walk away. hoping that someday we meet again. you (silently) hope the same. i’m selfish. i can’t give some things up.
sometimes i feel that i’m too good at staying quiet. sometimes i wish i wasn’t. sometimes i wish life gave out second chances. sometimes it doesn’t matter. nothing does. feelings are ephemeral (usually). at least that’s what i tell myself. and no, i don’t lie. i don’t deceive. i just leave out the truth for a moment.
to let myself live in a fever dream, far away from reality. where my velvet desires come true. where i don’t have to battle endless storms. where i can live in peace. when it’s time to go, i beg for another minute. it breaks my heart to leave everything. but something pulls me back into reality.
it’s cold outside. i watch as the sun sets through the mountain peaks.
the night sky is clear. not a single cloud blocking my sight. i sit on the terrace and stare at the celestial bodies. i ask them if it’s too late. not everyone has to know. they tell me that my secret will forever be safe with them. so i let my guard down and tell them everything. the comets shed a tear. even the stars start hurting. i thank them and step back into my dreams. satisfied, knowing that someone knows. that’s all it is about.
~nikhil