you will be loved

written november 2023

sometimes i wonder why we grow up.

why we shed our innocent skins and take a leap of faith from our safe haven. why we become free and responsible and let the world throw all its weapons at us. why do we stay, even though we know our trust will be betrayed? why do we still wrap up our tiny hearts in shiny wrappers and share them with others? why do we make the same mistakes over and over and over again? some questions don’t have answers.

you were a sunflower in a cactus garden. surrounded by thorns and always chasing the sunlight. i strolled in the garden and talked with you every sunday afternoon. our conversations always intrigued me. you envied the rose which you could see through my bedroom window. you said it was the prettiest flower in the world. i threw out the rose and put you up in my bedroom window instead.

you seemed so happy. life seemed so real.

lately i have stopped believing in things that are real. ‘well, what about the past? things which you have experienced? your memories?’, but do i really care about my memories? they are distorted. i remember you happier. i remember you being unconcerned about the world and the happenings of the present. now all i see is a soul stuck in the wrong body. in the wrong mind. incapable of leaving. scared. and scarred. i see someone else in the words you speak and the hands you wave and the lines you write and the pictures you paint.

when you go away and return completely broken into pieces, i sit down and assemble your bits back together. and every night i pray and hope that you return as the same person that left. it’s funny. i always forget you aren’t mine. it doesn’t matter. in the dark, it is hard to make out the sweet from the toxic. the longer i stay, the deeper your words cut into my skin. you act like a stranger in your own skin, and i act like one in mine.

these things shouldn’t happen to you. to me. to us. but it doesn’t matter. in my head you’re still the sunflower. even if all the cacti are gone or the roses overwhelm you, even if you don’t feel like you’re special, even if you are lonely and tired and about to give up, know that you will be loved.

~ nikhil